For the Ladies

I have grown dissatisfied with my email service. I have several issues with it at the moment, none of them are important, but it got me thinking about how we really need a new type of service. One that caters to women. We could call it….

Okay ladies, how about a super sexy yummo voice saying you’ve got mail, wouldn’t it be nice if he said your name and maybe even moaned a bit. Your new F-em@il notifier could even be complimentary. Like this:

“Well hello there (insert your name here), mmmm you’ve got beautiful ankles and they look great with that skirt. Now how about you come read these emails I diligently gathered while you slept.”

Even better, a mouse that vibrates when you get a message in your inbox. Pop the mouse in your lap, listen to Mr Wonderful talk about your ankles and you’re well on your way to a fun filled indulgent liaison with your email.

F-em@il would also make sure that no spam made it into your inbox unless it was at least 40% off. Anything!

F-em@il would have 5 stages of deletion:

Stage 1: Super sexy F-em@il notifier steps out in a business suit (or any uniform. Police, fireman, boy scout, butcher, baker, sailor – whatever) and asks you if you really want to delete the file. You click on “yes” and F-em@il notifier loses jacket.

Stage 2: Super sexy F-em@il notifier asks you if you REALLY want to delete the file. You click on “yes” and F-em@il notifier loses shirt.

Stage 5 has your super sexy F-em@il notifier sporting a yummo pair of boxers and not much else and you have a clear inbox.

But wait, it gets better. In the Premium service, your mail will be placed in a safe folder marked "Just in case you change your mind" for a whole year and you still get the sexy stripping buff guy.

Yay!!!

F-em@il would provide you with an address book that separates singles and couples, those who you'd have lunch with and those you'd only talk to on the phone, instead of that inconvenient and very unhelpful alphabetizing. Premium service would categorize your male correspondents first by the size of their wallet and then by how often they use it. It would then break the list down further allowing for penis size and how frequently he calls his mother.

F-em@il would also have a very handy forward option that would manage to exclude sending to the people you are talking about in the body of the email and their closest friends. You could be as catty as you wanted and backstab without fear of being found out.

F-em@ail would come with a day-planner and when your mouse hovers over names in your address book, the person's birthday, likes, dislikes, current beau, weight, current angst-filled problem, names of kids and the charities they subscribe to would all be listed in one easy glance.

I want F-em@il. I want F-em@il now….

PS. Mandy from A Penny For Them has tagged me for a meme.

I will admit that this caused a huge personal dilemma for me as I promised I would never meme on here and Brad from Blogg’d saw me type that and seeing as I’m up on Blog Thunderdome, I don’t want to give that prat the opportunity to shit on me more than he already does, so I have compromised and placed the meme in my personal journal at Wafflings of a Mad Woman.

Everyone’s happy.

Posted By: Lint | 03:14 AM | Lint

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